kitten senses... tingling...

2006-10-15T08:18:33Z

Something's going on.

It seems to involve lots of boxes and the humans are restless.

I'm all for boxes, so on the surface, all seems well... but I'm on edge.

I mean, she's stepped on me twice!

kitty capers

2006-05-11T15:05:11Z

*races down hallway*

*races back up hallway*

*hangs off side of couch*

*seizes unwary human's ankle*

'Tag! You're it!'

*races off again*

*claws back door*

'Wants to go out! Out!'

*sulks by doorway*

*gets distracted*

*kills toy rabbit*

*races down hallway*

herb of mystery!

2006-01-13T07:19:30Z

finally...

2006-01-13T07:07:15Z

Got my paws on some of the good stuff. Real catnip.

Yeah, baby! Woaahh! Woah ho ho!

Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!

benedictesque @ 2005-12-19T13:57:00

2005-12-19T02:58:34Z

well, duh.

2005-10-29T01:13:33Z

From witches who could change into cats with magic
spells, to tribes of anthropomorphic tigers
living in the jungles of Malaysia, to
bloodthirsty werecats of Japan who would prey
on humans for sustenance, tales of werecats
rival their more well-known werewolf cousins in
number.

As a werecat, you are aggressive, fiercely
independant, short-tempered and prone to
violent outbursts. You can also be very kind
though, by protecting those you care for from
those who wish to do them harm. Those who
befriend you are very lucky (as long as they
stay on your good side!)

Who is your inner Shapeshifter?
brought to you by Quizilla

liking the look of this...

2005-09-04T07:28:08Z

http://www.zefrank.com/annie/navigation.html

Ganked from gypsyamber.

getting into the Christmas spirit...

2004-12-15T23:40:33Z

http://www.fluffytails.ca/christmas.asp

benedictesque @ 2004-10-12T08:29:00

2004-10-11T22:37:28Z

In order to avoid those tricky social situations, I recommend the following text from
'http://easyweb.easynet.co.uk/~stephenbalchin/cats.html'...

Cats and What They Look Like:

Frequently Asked Questions

A reference guide compiled by the Phythian Research Office For Information Targeting (PROFIT).

It has come to my attention that many people these days suffer various types of stress and social embarrassment due to not knowing what a cat looks like. Therefore the following document has been compiled with a view to rectifying this now worryingly widespread problem.

Q. So what does a cat look like, then?

Wait a minute. It's not as easy as you might think. It is possible to enumerate a number of qualities that are associated with cats, but not all of them will apply to every single cat ever made, and besides, cats are extremely cunning and frequently use covert means to go around the place without anyone ever noticing them at all.

Q. But there are several well-known facts about cats, aren't there?

Facts you call them. Unsubstantiated rumours and outright lies, I call them. These so-called 'facts', when held up to the light and peered at closely wearing National Health tortoiseshell-framed reading glasses, have all kinds of holes in them, many of which gape wider than a Peruvian Big Wide Gaper Fish. Here are several commonly held misconceptions about those mysterious beasts we call 'cat'.

Misconception 1: Cats have four legs.

This is sometimes true, but is too much of a generalization to be of any use of identification purposes. While many cats do have four legs, cats sometimes have less than four, due to being involved in accidents, tortured by small children, or initiated into Japanese gangster-cat sects. Likewise, cats frequently attempt to disguise their true feline nature by putting on false legs, and fooling people into thinking they are giant fluffy cockroaches, or centipedes.

It would also be misleading to assume that anything with four legs is automatically a cat. Many things have four legs that are not cats at all, e.g. zebras, donkeys, tables, Donny and Marie Osmond. So do not make a fool of yourself in public by accosting any four-legged item and accusing it of being a cat. You will just look silly.

Misconception 2: Cats are either long-haired or short-haired.

Again, sometimes true, but not always. It fails to take into account the fact that cats sometimes have medium-sized hair, or may be bald. They may also try to be extra cunning and adopt one of the following covert hairstyles:

Shaved off on one side only - giving the unenlightened the disturbing impression that half a cat is wandering the streets.

Dreads.
Pigtails.
An Elvis-style quiff.
A Noel Edmonds-style quiff - particularly cunning because Noel Edmonds doesn't have a quiff.
Other.

It should, even at this early stage in training, be apparent that one should not accuse simply anything with or without hair of being a cat. That would take a very long time, since everything in the whole world either does or doesn't have hair, so unless you were born in Very-Lucky-Ville on the planet Luck, I wouldn't try it.

Misconception 3: Cats go 'miaow'.

No, they don't. Well, all right, sometimes they do, but statistically it has been proven that people say 'miaow' more often than cats do. This doesn't mean that people are cats either; it means they just spend an inordinate amount of time propagating unfounded rumours about cats.
Cats often make noises other than 'miaow', however. These include:

Purrrrrr
Ssssssss
Grrrrrrrr
Wibble. (Admittedly, they don't do this one very often.)

But other things make these noises too, so we're still no further along when it comes to pinning down cats. (Which is incidentally a useful and amusing thing to do with a cat if you can actually find one.)

Misconception 4: Cats chase mice, and get chased by dogs.

Occasionally, but sometimes it happens the other way around. And sometimes they chase turkeys and get chased by hyenas. And sometimes they chase fire engines and get chased by Sue Lawley. They are that cunning, you see.

Misconception 5: Cats frequently end up on the menu at disreputable Chinese restaurants.

Incorrect, although gangs of highly trained Yakuza cats, often missing one or several legs, do sometimes demand huge amounts of protection money from Chinese restaurants, in order to ensure that any dishonoured fellow members do not end up in the Crispy Noodles. Please note, these are extremely dangerous and often armed (if not legged) and shouldn't be approached unless you really think you know what you're doing. And let's face it, who does?

Misconception 6: There is no number six.

So, on to the next.

Q. You make it sound like anything could quite literally be a cat. Is there any way of determining what one really does look like?

Well, there are a few pointers that can be used to fall back on if an Emergency Cat Identification Situation does actually arise:

1. Cats have mad staring eyes. But sometimes they wear sunglasses to hide them. Or Benign Fluffy Stare (tm) contact lenses, developed recently after years of secret research. (The hard part was making the stare fluffy.)

2. Cats enjoy the following television programmes:

Top Cat
Bagpuss
Henry's Cat
The Cat Came Back
Brucie's Rip the Innards Out Of Small Vermin Game
Star Trek: the Next Generation (it's got a cat on it. However, the cat does not, as most people believe, play the part of Spot the Cat. No. Spot is played by a weasel in a cat outfit. The actual cat plays the part of Beverley Crusher's wig.)

3. Cats hate the following television programmes:

Rude Dog and the Dweebs
Woof!
Noel's House Party (but who doesn't?)
Three Hours in a Sack with A Brick in it
The Drowning Bucket (these last two are not particularly well-known, but are nevertheless feared and loathed by cats and all their furry ilk.)

Q. I've heard that watching Top Cat is a pretty sure-fire way of seeing what a cat looks like. Is this a reliable method?

Well, theoretically yes, so long as you can identify what aspects of the programme's characterage are cats and what are either:

Dustbins
Officer Dibble.
Miscellaneous (a category including fences, houses and assorted comedy 'props').

In this respect, recognizing a cat on Top Cat is a somewhat easier task that recognizing one in the real world, the other contents of which can be characterized as:

Dustbins.
Officer Dibble? Possibly. Who knows?
Miscellaneous (a category that could be summarised as 'Bloody Huge')

So you may end up being misled, especially since real-world cats do not usually wear comedy hats or say 'Benny the Ball' in a supposedly amusing manner.

Q. If I do see a cat, and think I have successfully identified it, what should I do about it?

You have a number of options at your disposal, and must choose one carefully to match your mood and outfit at the time:

Close your eyes and hope it goes away.
Contact the Government Department of Domestic Furry Things (a particularly covert branch of the Home Office) and ask to have the sighting officially registered as part of Project Fluffykins. This top-secret cat identification project is so top-secret that the Government, or whatever lowly representative of it you can get on the phone will probably fiercely deny its existence. But do not let yourself be fobbed off. Offer to go round to their offices and have your scent glands tested for authenticity. This will convince them that you are not in the pay of the cats themselves...
Point at it and go 'Awwwww! Look! Fluffy-wuffy pussy-wussy-kins ahoy!' (But be 100% certain before you try this one...)
Close off the portions of your mind that can't deal with it and carry on as best you can.
Shout 'Yes!' in a very decided manner, with any accompanying gestures you feel are appropriate.
Do a little private dance of joy, all alone.

Q. So am I now fully prepared for encountering a cat?
Well, no. But then again...........is anyone? Ever??

'...you're gonna spend the night... OUT SIDE!'

2004-08-23T20:57:23Z

Oi. Where's malchus got to?

Got locked out last night. All night. Got some good roaming and scrabbling with neighbours in.

Eventually, though, it got very cold, and I missed my heater. But my politely phrased yowls to be let in were ignored.

This wouldn't have happened if malchus were here.

Mmmm... heater.

I want in.

2004-08-21T04:31:58Z

So. I was sitting on top of malchus's computer this morning, enjoying the pleasant vibrating warmth. vaingloriesque kept lifting my tail from where I was quite comfortably waving it in front of the monitor. No, no, I liked it there. That's why I put it there. I mean, honestly. Humans.

Mew. *incidental grooming*

Tried curling up on vaingloriesque's lap. She kept pushing me off. Something about not being able to type. Finally, she leaves. Time for action. I want in.

...

Typing with paws actually the tiniest bit difficult. Must work on this more often when humans are absent. Am remarkably talented and coordinated, so shouldn't be too much of a probnlem...

Mrraow!! What's that twitching in my peripheral vision?! Ah... tail.

*considers*

Must! Kill! Tail!

*attacks*

...

Hmmm, my kitten sense is tingling... I believe I hear human approaching. Must look innocent.

*licks paw*

I, Benedict